@ObscureGent: In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you're a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
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@edfoxcomedy: 1) Bake cake. 2) Don't cut it into pieces. 3) Eat the whole thing. 4) Claim I ate "only one piece of cake."
@TheBoydP: Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister? Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
@YayForJam: Anyone who's voice doesn't jump a few octaves when talking to a puppy probably kills people for a living
@myonlymizztake: Him: I'm sorry, can we start over? Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I'll keep walking.