[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
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Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Banana is the quietest snack
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.