@yerpalmildsauce: In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. "I wish he'd die," says Cupcake. They all nod.
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@BucMarvin: Me: let's go get a baby dinosaur. Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur? M: at the babysaurus store. W: Baby's R Us you idiot.
@c_always_wright: high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
@TheAlexNevil: Parent Tip: don't tell your child "I'm waiting, I can wait all day if I have to" unless you've actually cleared your schedule for the day.