In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
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I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how