In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
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[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion