@BridgetPhetasy: In Hell, all of your Google searches post directly to your social media accounts.
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@OmgMeDamnit: Don't waste time thinking about what's wrong with you. Instead, focus on what's wrong with other people.
@TheBoydP: Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
@SteveSuckington: [talking to family after emergency surgery] Your positive energy saved my life Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
@man_in_radiator: My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.