What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
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I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this