In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
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If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey