In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
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*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?