[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
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Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
We need more people like this.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
presenting your incognito window wrapped
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
それは草
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.