“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
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why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket