In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
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One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.