I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
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Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee