Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
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DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
channeling her this year
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Note to self: I am a note
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
what could possibly go wrong?
Saint West, the patron of selfies
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.