In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
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Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike