In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
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[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single