In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
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GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.