in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
You Might Also Like
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Owl Sanctuary
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
yeah no that’s fair
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?