What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
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Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I thought this was funny lol
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?