@7edhead: Missing a period is probably a Grammar Nazi's worst nightmare.

@That_Damn_Duck: How I wear a scarf: 1. Take scarf and drape it over my shoulder 2. Find an annoying co-worker and choke them to death with it. 3. Repeat

@1Bad_Scientist: Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency! Me: *grabs tools* Neighbor is naked and wet Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

@elvisknievil: If you ever need 15 minutes of peace and quiet from texting, tell her to send a selfie.

@JoshuaTurek: Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president