In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
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BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
another case of gang violins
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero