The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
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Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Ok but actually
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*