@jake_lach: In hell, your socks are always wet
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@big_1_Otis: I like to sit on my hands until they go numb so it feels like somebody else is doing my dishes.
@notalogin: People who say "go big or go home" seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it's literally my only goal for most of the day.
@Emperor_Laykes: One advantage of being a woman is no one can surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you're the mom.
@Reverend_Scott: If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"