In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
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Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?