In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
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The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Namaste
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic