[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
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What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not