[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
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Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
the answer was staring at me all along
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*