[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
You Might Also Like
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
This is enough internet for the day.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]