The first matador
You Might Also Like
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too