In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
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Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
New menu item
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.