In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
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Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?