In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
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So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Me recordaron éste meme
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.