In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
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[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?