In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
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I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense