@RowdyBowden: In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
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@PaperWash: I'm sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That's your new name now, there's nothing we can do about it.
@JohnLyonTweets: [flirting at Taco Bell] Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help. [seconds later] Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
@stanleybehrman: Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
@Jesssicle: Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I'm unaware of?