In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
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Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
This sounds bad:
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course