In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
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Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit