guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
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If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Spotted in New Orleans.