In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
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*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.