In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
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*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.