In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
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Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.