@possibilyss: In hindsight, i shouldn't have said 'surprise me' when the judge was about to sentence me
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@samalmightysam: I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
@jake_lach: My dealer texts to ask if I'm straight and I'm not even sure how that's relevant to our arrangement
@Amburglar_: When asked by the creepy guy at the bar "Why aren't you smiling?" my go-to answer is always "My yeast infection really is bubbling up."