Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
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Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Its a hippotatomus
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,