[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
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If you want my opinion ask my wife
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.