A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
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Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Ha
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”