In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
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baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today