In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
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Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Mornin. * use accordingly
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured