mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
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ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Close call…
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?