@BuckyIsotope: In his college years Jesus could turn oregano into weed
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@TheDjinnTrials: A fortune cookie told me I'd receive an important message soon. The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
@aveuaskew: Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
@clindsaysway: The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.