Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
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The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]