like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
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Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
We’ve come full circle
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
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After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.