Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
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Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.