In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
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If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing