In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
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me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
im all 3
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Basically.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
The human body is 70% water and 30% land