In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
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[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
They’re not wrong
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life