In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
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Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
me when I see my crush
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)